I went to a new allergist for the first time today. I liked him right away. He seemed genuine and honest and enthusiastic. He didn’t downplay the costs of getting allergy shots and creating the serums. So, I think I will go forward with getting allergy shots again and see how it goes. The only bad thing was that he advised me to use Nasacort and see if that helped me out at all in the meantime. But, after spraying it in my nose this morning, I’ve been feeling a weird sensation in the back of my nose and throat. It’s like that feeling when you’re about to come down with a cold – kind of burning, sore feeling. It feels like something back there is swollen. I hope this feeling goes away soon.
After work, I came home and ate dinner and felt sooooo drowsy. So, I laid down and tried to take a nap, but I don’t think I ever actually fell asleep after laying in bed for 1 hour or so. I kept getting that “restless leg syndrome” feeling in my body. Ugh I hate that. I wonder what it is and why I get it.
I’ve finally decided to give up reading Leisure: A Basis of Culture. I read about 70 pages and it’s just so difficult to slough through and I don’t really understand what the author is getting at. So, I”m just going to give up on it and move on to the next book. I have 7 more books on my list to read by the end of the year!
God has placed two convictions on my heart recently: (1) I love money more than God and (2) I want a relationship more than I want God. Before this week, if you had asked me if I loved money more than God or wanted a relationship more than God, I would have said “no way!”. But, I wasn’t being honest with myself. And even after this knowledge, I still love money. I still want a relationship more than God. But, the good thing is that now that I’ve become aware of it, I’ve repented and now I can begin to turn from these things and get my priorities straight. It’s very, very frustrating to me that things do not happen quickly or overnight. I so desperately just want to be a better person by, like, tomorrow lol. But, that’s not how it works. It takes time. I just have this thought in the back of my mind that I’ve already wasted 32 years of my time and I’m so far behind and I’m a stubborn person so it’s going to take me even longer to learn my lessons and improve myself. It makes me want to give up? I worry that it’s going to take me YEARS to learn to love God more than I can love another person and that God won’t send the right person for me until I reach that point. I know that’s NOT the right way of thinking, but I’m just being completely honest. That’s how I feel right now. I know it’s NOT the right motivation for change. But, it’s just how I’m feeling right now and where I’m at in my journey right now. I truly don’t comprehend how to overcome the loneliness I feel most days and to focus that energy and desire onto God instead. They seem like two separate emotions/feelings to me. The things that I want out of a relationship do not seem to be related to God. I want physical touching, kissing, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, etc. I don’t see how these desires can be satisfied in God? I am not saying that they can’t, I am just saying that I don’t see how….. but I WANT to. I want God to satisfy all of my needs and wants and desires. It just seems like such an impossible and far away goal that I become unmotivated. And yet, deep down inside of me, there’s an inextinguishable and unexplainable fire of faith in God. So, I continue.